Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Griffin's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 21st, 2006
11:30 pm	Life in general and the past 72 hours ~Life in general Well, haven't said much meaningful in the past, I don't even know anymore heh. As for life changes in general, I'm no longer with Renee since the 26th(ish) of May. No bitter feelings, having some time to think on it, it was a long time in coming, and it needed to happen. I still love her; and so far as I know, she still loves me, we're just not in love anymore. She didn't need me anymore, we were distanced in too many ways, and I think this all happened for the best. If all works out, she's hopefully still coming to visit this summer for Bristol and hang with friends here. Got into the nursing program, all systems go. Doing the last few pre-reqs in terms of immunities, supplies, uniform, etc. Also kicking ass in both summer courses, Soc and Psych 101. If I do well on the Soc final, I'm looking at a solid A for both classes. Both finals are this coming wednesday. Spending more time with Rachel, I happen to quite fancy that lass ;D ~Past 72 hours. Have been nuts. Got about 6 hours of sleep Tuesday night and finished the first of three books I borrowed from Renee when last I was there (w00t Dark Jewels trilogy!) Went to classes as usual, stopped by Chris's place, and shuffled back home. hung for about an hour and then went to get books with my dad. The bookstore was closed, so we instead got delicious chinese dinner and lots of groceries/supplies. Had about a 1 hour nap, (amazingly vivid dreams the like I haven't experienced in a long time, active for an estimated 10 hours) then in to work from 2am to 9am doing the night load. That kicked ass acutually. Didn't have to deal with customers, took random (and frequent lol) breaks to just talk and chill while we put crap away. Best part of the night was 4 to 5. It was starting to storm earlier, but from 4 to 5, we all took an hour break and talked in the back while watching the beautiful thunderstorm. It's nice and hot around here now, so there was a ridiculous amount of lightning of varying colors everywhere, so amazing. Done at 9, and went to get Rachel for a morning/afternoon slumber party. Ended up (somehow) not being that tired, so we hung out, watched some movies, and I ended up getting about a 3 hour nap in. Then took Rachel home, picked up Chris, met up with my dad and we were off to See Christopher Titus who was in Schaumburg at the Improv in Woodfield. That. Kicked. Ass. He is so hilarious. It was all new material, and I want so much for there to be a dvd or at least recording of it soon. Way too much to type here, I'll regale anyone who asks with specific tales from it, but just know that it was a damn good night :D Later on that damn good night, following Titus goodness, went home, cleaned myself, and went for another slumber party with Rachel, this time over at Kelly's to hang with her as well. Got my pillow and pajamas on, no sense bringing clothes I'd just change out of, and zoomed myself over there. Talked with Mr. and Mrs. Connely for a bit because they're awesome, then layed around and watched the first Pirates of the Caribbean with Rachel while she designed her Corset pattern. Good times, hung around; at about 3am, Kelly got back, really messed up and nearly hysterical. Details cut short - she'd had a really fucked up and shitty night. We stayed up and talked to her, just trying to calm her down. More personal details cut - (Though as of now, she's much better and a lot of the stuff was resolved) got to sleep around, I think, 11ish. Woke up around 2, to the berating of Mrs. Connely. Apparently, boys aren't supposed to stay in the same room as the girls, which I would've respected, had I known any of this earlier. So we all got a jolly earful about disrespect and rules. All they wanted was an apology, which I gladly gave since since I thought it was due, and they do like me, so all is shiny again. Had enough time to breeze through home, and get myself to work again. Actually much fun had there. Me and Matt played with the forklift in back, and broke lots of fluorescent lights in the dumpster. Then used the forklift to raise me up and dump lots of garbage from high up (got to see the roof lol) Now back home, getting ready for sleep. For those of you that've kept a running total, that's 7 hours of sleep since I woke up wednesday morning, and I'm somehow not tired. I feel exhausted, and I know I'll pass out shortly after I lay down, but I'm not tired. With everything that's happened in the past few days, broken up only by brief naps, I think this has been the longest and most interesting Wednesday of my life. Now, it's time for my long Wednesday to be over, get a real chunk of sleep, and prepare for the Bristol Ren Faire tomorrow with Gavin, Cody, and Kat. Love to all griffin Current Mood: Exhausted (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
2:02 am	So I was going through my wallet earlier, and came upon something interesting. *pulls out the tarot reading Katie did for me in January* May: Frustration, need for patience, can't see way out of bad/confusing situation June: Isolation, need to open new channels of communication & contact with others Overall for the year: Disillusionment if I rely on the commitment of others Damn, spot on Katie, another successful reading, however much I don't want to admit it. Sleep time is now. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
8:54 am	Morning root canal know who feels better after having the dead nerve and infected pulp taken out of his tooth? This guy! Yeah, lots of sudden pain yesterday while trying to read lots, couldn't really sleep last night, but now no pain, wheeee! Current Mood: better (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
10:21 pm	General Update (that lacks a particularly witty title) So, last week was full of deliciousness of all kinds :D (what a way to start an entry) Renee came down to visit, yaaaay! And all was glorious and right with the world again. She flew in Tuesday and I got her after my classes, went to classes as usual for the next 2 days, but dragged her to A building to hang with people while I was busy, and she had lots of fun. Also finally got to at least meet Kat, Kelly and MacKenzie (and actually hang with Gavin and Cody) which, coupled with my friends she alreads knows, pretty much means she knows all the most important people in my life. I'm a dork, I think it's cool that my favoritest people in the world know each other and at least get along :D (I've also noticed an increased abuse of the happy face (:D) on my part) While she was here, Teresa also made my birthday cheesecake (finally :p) which we ate and was amazing, made what Renee best describes as "death-by-sugar cookies" (sweet tollhouse cookies with chocolate, white chocolate, and vanilla chips in them), and also bought a chocolate cake on a whim the last night she was here lol. Saw V for Vendetta, if anyone hasn't, do so immediately. I mean it, right now. This entry will still be here when you get back, I promise. (go now!) Watched all kinds of fun movies at home aside from that, good stuff. Sadly though, her visit came to an end Sunday afternoon (though not until after we'd done much making up for lost time when we don't see each other) Next time I see my girl should hopefully be in early summer if I drive down to see her, but definitely later when she comes up for the Ren Faire. And I found out only that afternoon (ummm, train of thoguht, I mean the afternoon I dropped her off at the airport to leave) shortly after I took her to the airport that I started my night shifts that night (booooo!) So I caught a little nap, downed a Monster Khaos, and was off from 10pm to 6am to the Lake Zurich Petco to move everything around during their remodel over the next couple weeks, so they need people at night to re-arange everything. That night consisted of bad rap music, and lots of lifting and moving of large dog/cat food bags, and the sorting and re shelving of little individual cans of food. Oh joy. (<--- Hey look kids, scathing sarcasm!) Got back later the next morning, slept until about 2pm, then hung around the house until 8 when I stopped by to visit Teresa for her birthday (happy 19th again doll!) Then off again to work, from 9pm to 6am that night. Got back around 7:00 this morning, by the time I actually got to sleep, it was around 8 or 8:30, then I woke up at 10 to go with Teresa, Matt, Katie, Andrew, and Liz to Brookfield zoo for Teresa's birthday. Even on 1 1/2 hours of sleep or so, today kicked arse. Saw all kinds of aminals (deliberate mis-spelling) took lots of crappy phone camera pics, and of course sent the elephant one to Renee (*kiss kiss* darling ;D) Definite highlight of the day were the kangaroos boxing and fighting, simply awesome to see. It's so cool, the can balance their entire body weight on their tail, which means they can fight with 4 limbs simultaniously without worry for support, makes it interesting to think of martial arts styles based for kangaroos. (well, for me at least. My mind is weird, and may I point out, 1 1/2 hours of sleep lol) Way back was fun, talked about all the fun aminals and which ones would be most dangerous if they were to become zombies, which was eventually decided to be the hippo. Come on, it's huge, and good luck cutting it's head off before it literally snaps you in pieces with it's jaws. *shudders and hopes never to face an undead pottomus in combat* Hung out at Katie's for a bit, watched AMVHell 2,3, and 0 (amvhell.com) and had more fun hanging around. Andrew also picked up Kingdom Hearts 2, I have a reserved copy with special edition guide and artbook, but can't pay for and get them until Friday *jealous*. I then was returned home, where I've remained, putting off sleep in order to be well rested, but also wake up late enough for work tomorrow night (obviously didn't have it tonight) Took a magnificent shower, and will continue watching Bleach which I just started, and Grenadier, which I can best describe as a cross between Trigun and Excel Sage with lots of fan service, gun katta, and the main character (female) reloading her revolver via bouncing bullets up from the recesses of her cleavage. Anime is great. Well, I believe this concludes my rant, well, I love my girl Renee so very very much and miss her already *love!* Now, this concludes my rant, and frees me to continue my night of delayed sleep. Sorry Rich, no line breaks, too tired to bother, hope you don't feel like shooting me, but I'm sure you don't care and won't read this for weeks as you've also got KH2 today, grrrrr. Alright, love to you all, and all those that can, get some sleep! love from the sexy blonde one griffin Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
9:34 pm	:D Life in general seems to be on the up and up. Everything's cool at petco, I play with animals and get paid for it, which I like. School is tollerable; today's awesome news is that I actually got accepted into the nursing program from the wait list for next semester, w00t. Very happy about that one, a lots less stress on my dad, and something that I look forward to. Random note, my friend Teresa finally got the sexy/cool tongue piercing she'd wanted for a long time. I Will use the coming week to a) get ahead on school stuff and b) clean the house because Renee is coming to visit from Tuesday 21st through the 26th :D That leaves me at, cool friends, good job, good school, good future career prospects and education, and my girl coming to visit soon; yes, definetely all on the up and up. Love to the world and all those in it! griffin (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
11:04 am	Oh Em Ge So, I am officially teh employed, w00t. I'll be going in Mon,Fri, and Sat of next week for some training and expereince stuff, Fri/Sat being trained by Teresa, hahaha, that should be interesting. I'll be starting at 8 wing-wongs per every 60 minutes of effort I throw in (which roughly converts to $7.99/hour, which they nicely rounded to $8) which I enjoy. Cassie (the gm, and in the not game master sense) seems cool and open, good times. I shall later be taking myself and perhaps Gavin out for some Mitsuwa, as I have the delicious craving. Probably hang out for a bit, force myself to study some math for my test Monday, look into speech stuff for Wednesday, try to get ahead (*gasp* eegads, I'm beginning to sound responsible, maybe it is the apocolypse?) in general as see how that goes. Well, that about does it this time around, best wishes to all of you out there that care enough to follow my life :D griffin Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
1:24 am	Under the Milky Way Tonight The moon is full, and cold, and bright. Won't anyone run with me through the forest tonight? Yet more proof I'm a lunatic (no, not crazy, the real definition) It may be freezing outside, but I feel predatory and wild, and I want to run for hours through the night. All of this however, does not help me get my paper done ^^;; It's coming along though, I have to do a lyric analysis, rough draft due tomorrow, so of course I spent a majority of the day reading through webcomics, twas grand. Now that I actually sit down to do it however, I find I love the song more than ever (The servant, Cells) and have plenty to say about it. No worries about getting it done. But now, that still leaves me caged indoors and alone with my bestial nature... ah, such is life. Current Mood: Bestial (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
10:32 pm	Since last we spoke... Let's see... Spent a week with Renee, that was fan-fucking tastic. Took the pre-nursing exam (which I blew away! um, in the did really good sense lol) picked up my girl Thursday night at O'Hare, briefly ran into Cody and Gavin, went to my class, good times. Detailing everything would take more time than I feel like investing at the momment, so I'll just go with general stuff. Watched tons of movies, lots of Trigun, went to malls, hung out with Chris and friends, made kick-ass brownies (one of my favorite parts :D) twice! Did lots of catching up with Renee (bow chika wow wow) which was amazingly wonderful, and I'm still riding the high from. (hey, they were good brownies...) She was here across 9 days, wonderful sleeping with her in my arms, a rare luxury, and one that makes me very happy. She left all too soon Friday afternoon, I then took ferrets to the vet, and bummed around the house all day wanting it to be several days ago. Also bumed around the house for the weekend, not depressed, really happy in fact, watching lots of anime, reading some stuff, milking the last weekend before classes started again on Tuesday. Speaking of which: Mon/Wed 12:00 - 1:15 College Algebra 2:25 - 3:40 Speech 8:15 - 9:55 Japanese Tue/Thr 12:15 - 1:05 Human Sexuality 1:40 - 2:55 English (rock) >connected 3:05 - 4:20 Lit/Poetry (rock)>connected Not a bad class list I think, comes to 17 credit hours, but the speech is worth more than I think it should be, and the algebra class is thusfar insultingly easy, so I think I can pull off all A's if I actually try, which I am now self-motivated to do, so yaay me *thumbs up* Japanese might be the only if there, but I shall do my best, and see. Human sexuality kicks ass so far, I've convinced Gavin to join because the teacher is so cool, probably frequent updates as to what goes on in that class lol. The English/Lit combo about rock and roll with my English teacher from last semester, Herriges, is also awesome. We watch lots of movies and listen to lots of music, we even got cookies today :D Plans for the next few days.... idk *shrugs* Finish Trigun manga (what I have) tonight, followed by more Critic and possibly continuing Chobits or starting the other Incarnations books on loan from the my lovely Renee. Friday and Saturday are toss ups, no clue. At some point on Sunday, I plan to join Jon and Chris at their Wompem game. Wompen, let's see, I like to describe it as kind of like dodgeball, but with melee weapons, and you're out when you fall or submit, not for contact. You make your own weapons, constructed out of pvc piping, padding, and duck tape. Safe? No. Not really. Fun? Hells yeah! We practiced Monday night with Jon's weapons. Speaking of Monday, I feel like a prick for not mentioning this earlier, it was Katie and Kenny's 5 year anniversary. His plan, take her out to Red Lobster for dinner where us (me, Chris, Jon, Gavin, Teresa, Cody, Rich, Katie's mom and dad and little brothers) were waiting in surprise. We go there, get a huge table. They show up, Kenny gets on one knee and proposes. It was grand. I was gonna get it all on video, but I looked over, saw them right there near the other end of the table, and as I get my camcorder out, he's already down. lol, so I have footage starting right after she gets the ring, full of adorable tears of joy and everyone being happy. My bad, should have been messing with it earlier lol, but there were food choices to be made damnit! Speaking of which, Katie's Parents sprang for the food, as it's not everyday their Daughter gets engaged. Extra kicks ass for me and Dawn, since we got crab legs since they're always delicious and cheaper on Mondays. Turns out they were out of snow crab which we ordered, so we got king crab for the same price. Shiny. Reminded me of ACEN 03 where we got bumped into the executive suite do to overbookage. Sometimes, life kicks ass. Back to Sunday, so yes, Wompem. I'll be stretching more over the next few days, lifting some weights and running, mostly getting my body and muscles warmed up and getting some reflexes heightened. I'll improve over the Wompem season I imagine, but may as well hit the ground running and be prepared for battle! Mmmm, off I go for now I think, I'm gonna make up some late dinner, then kick back with previously mentioned leisure activities. Love to all, more to come in the future :D Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
11:43 am	w00t My busy thursday has only just begun! In bit, I'm off to Harper to take the NLN for their nurse program, after that I go to get Renee from the airport (that's my favorite part so far!) then off to my Aikido class, and back home shortly after depending on traffic and possible foodage. I like today so far :D My girl stays for over a week, and that just plain kicks ass. Um, I'm kinda hyperish at the momment and have a few things to do yet before I go, so I will say bye bye for now, much love, if I don't update within the next week, it's with good reason! shiggity shiggity shwa! Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
5:27 pm	I went and came back Had myself a grand roadtrip, hours of music and open road, with a beautiful birthday girl waiting for me at the end. Technical detail time! Time left Friday morning- 9:30am eta- 4:20pm ata:- 4:50pm two gas stops, 2 potty stops (separate), crappy weather, lots of rain, bad traffic for a half hour on 70w, average speed- 56mph. Return trip, time left Saturday morning- 10:20am eta- 5:10pm ata- 4:20pm two gas/potty stops (together), cloudy but no rain, no bad traffic patches, average speed- 70mph. Lesson- being comfortable with the drive and angry music make me go faster ^^;; So next time, angry music on the way down to shave an hour off where it matters, not on the return trip lol! Arrived, greeted with some lovely kisses, hung around to eat food, open presents, and go to see the new Zorro movie, which wasn't a great movie, but was very fun :D Next stop, zealously making out in vehicle in empty culdesac (another lesson learned here, but that one won't be detailed lol) Went back home to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, always hilarious, extra fun this time though. Threw in Peanuts Christmas, and I fell asleep in her bed with my head being scratched (felt sooooo good) Usually, we sleep in separate rooms because her mother's just like that. It's her 18th birthday , and I'm only there one night, screw that, spent the night next to my warm loving girl. Apparently her mom came up some time in the night and gave a lecture, I was truly asleep, she was pretending to be hehe. So totally worth it. Got up in the morning, this time was actually lectured, including the phrases: "you're not a married couple, you don't need to be sleeping in the same bed" (which she knows is one of the first things we did when we met! lol and which seems like such an alien concept to me and my friends who have almost always enjoy such luxuries as sleeping with the one they love) and my dubious favorite "you get more aggressive and turned on". In my head, I casually reply that we haven't tried being really aggressive yet among other things, but was a plan of the near future. Lounged around some more, ate breakfast, was given my birthday present (which I will be a good person and wait to open) and sent home with lots of delicious cookies, cake, and other sugary things of this nature. Lesson-.............. I can die happy never again hearing Renee's mom say the words "turned on" it just sounded so wrong Back home now, about to take a shower full of fantasies (hopefully soon to come true...) then go and hang with Katie and Teresa for her new year's party, which a lot of people sadly ditched out on it sounds like, oh well. Love to all, hope you've had a great weekend too, happy new year and hugs all around :D griffin Current Mood: creative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
8:29 am	my secret plan Has been revealed, so for all to know, I'm driving to Missouri to be with my girl for her birthday :D Love you all, and away I go! Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 29th, 2005
1:30 pm	Writing is like riding a bicycle... You never forget how, but if you go a long time without doing it, you get out of practice and aren't as good. Taking a break from cleaning the house and decided to read through some old emails from the time me and Renee wrote them on a quite regular basis, and realized my writing has degraded with disuse. The phrases and things I came up with, I read now and think damn, that was good, did I write that? Because I don't think I'd think to write it now. Everything from cheesy lines, to random words and silly sentences, throwing in cool words at random; so, as of now, since I've also been reading lots of good stuff recently, have decided to write something today. (hopefully with a less obscene number of commas) idk, could end up being a random chapter in a book that has yet to be written, a character backstory, or just make it up as I go along and build from nothing as I often do. In other news, it's shit outside today, as it has been from the past, oh, idk, week or two. Nothing but cold, grey, and barely any snow left because it's not freezing (damn global warming!) On a better note, Renee comes to visit from the 5th to 13th, which kicks awesome ass on so many levels. It'll be the most time we spend together consecutively in days ever, which I'm ridiculously excited about; watching movies, hanging out, falling asleep with my girl in my arms for over a week straight. Given that our usual time together consists of a few days every 3 to 4 months on average, but more recently, I'm happy. The radio is dumb. Okay, so it's a piece of technology that doesn't think, but the music is dumb, or at least not as cool now. The past week musically has been sweet as Q101, a local alternative rock station, has been playing 101 songs from a given year per day covering the last 13 years, meaning it was filled with delicious 90s goodness :D As was semi-recently stated (and I much agree, at least for our generation) growing up in the 90s kicked ass, being born in the 90s sucked ass. being born in 87 myself, I got to live childhood and teenage years in what I consider a marvelous span of time. A few years down, the next generation (which I have the displeasure of interacting with every so often) are a bunch of little selfish and rude jerks. Arrogant, snotty, and now in their teenage years, emo! (If ever a genre deserved to be buried, emo is my pick even over 80s hair bands) I'll give that there is some emo music I will listen to an like, I have eclectic tastes and like a lot of music, so I usually don't categorize, but emo by far of a genre has the least songs I can tolerate. And the lifestyle associated with it, being a whiny suburbanite, with jeans so tight they make your body look disproportionate, and the pink ipod among other expensive gadgets. (I'm ranting, I know, but there's not a damn thing you can do about it :p) Also in my world in general, it's break between semesters at Harper, I start up again in mid January, and I have not been practicing and studying my Japanese as much as I should (gomenasai!) Still doing lots of reading though, in general working my way through a list of awesome books Renee suggested, which I'll be resuming once she lends me the Piers Anthony's Incarnations series, as our library only has the first book (booooo) and I will request they get the rest of the Mode series by the same author (further booo for inconveniently incomplete series) Currently meandering my way through a collection of H.P. Lovecraft's favorite stories, not his (which I do so love) but ones that inspired him and he thought to be the best of the genre. Shiny. My best friend's uncle died a few days ago, and I've been doing my utmost to help him and make him feel better, little compared to the loss he feels, just making sure he knows I love him and that I am there for him the best I can be. Hanging out with my sexy-awesome friend Rich more lately as it's during both our breaks, and it's lots of fun hanging out with him and Meg (his sexy-cool gf) Now, time for a bit more cleaning, followed ideally by some Nihongo (japanese) practice and writing, later followed by stealing Gavin and going to the Y to work out and see if Aikido meets this week. Side note: shall also try to watch the new Miazaki movie, Howl's Moving Castle that Teresa let me borrow, 'cause it looks wonderful and it got too late last night. My love to you all for bothering to follow my life *hugs all around* :D griffin Current Mood: thoughtful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
1:12 am	Home again Blah, home is dumb. Good to see animals and people again, dumb in that there is school tomorrow and no Renee here in my arms, gar. More than anything else I can theoretically have here, I need sleep. Although I'm gonna be a bad person and watch some tv, I will soon pass out with a shirt I stole from my girl (that she once stole from me, but now smells like her so I stole it back hehehe) sleep for a long time, and hopefully have good dreams, because if I don't get to wake up my girl in my arms, I better have some damn good dreams to try and make up for it. I'm happy though, I really am *big smile* can't wait until January for many reasons, biggest right now is of course being able to see Renee again. The weekend? Was good. Explored a bit, watched movies (which will now have extra fun associations with them) did a lot of, um, laying about, and went to a comey club; yeah, good times. Ok, time now for a long nap. *more big smile* hehe, good-smelling shirt. Current Mood: sleepy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 17th, 2005
1:49 am	Big Apple madness Today was interesting. First off, really fucking cold (gar!) Left english early because our teacher was bored, heh, that was fun. Got stuff from Rich, and lost my phone. Back to school, shitty mood, wandered around outside looking for said misplaced phone. Went to yoga, uh, came back, more hanging around before Japanese. Felling just generally out of it. However, after some running around, phone was found. And I am passively very happy about being able to see Renee tomorrow through Sunday. *feels warmer inside* I've decided I hate the cold. Idk, it was dark and literally freezing all day, didn't find me in the warmest of moods. The moon doesn't help now, it's full, which makes me even more in tune with emotion and energy, and the season is changing and getting much colder, so not feeling good, really doesn't feel good. (um, extra not good) But, I'm feeling better already thinking of tomorrow. 12 hours from now, I'll be on my way to the airport, off to see my girl. It'll do both of us a world of good to be in each others arms again; the thought of being able to sleep and wake up to find her snuggled into me is making me smile right now in fact. (and most likely will be whenever this is read) To all my loving fans, have a fantastic weekend, and much love to you all! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 11th, 2005
1:26 am	What's all this then... Yup indeedy, next Thursday, off I go to New York to see Renee. Sweet on multiple levels. Get to see another large city and go to the east coast (I live such a sheltered life ^_^;) I'm sure there's all sorts of fun things to do and places to explore, which I'm sure I'll enjoy in time, this round though, all about me and Renee (yes, I know, Renee and I. English is dumb) spend time together, have fun, keep each other sane, excellent things like that. hehehe, very much with the excitement, get to see each other like, 2 months before previously thought when she's visiting in January, awesomeness. Other than that, school is school, friends are cool, my life is fun and going better than it logically should for whatever reason, which I love, but it still is lol, and, um, hmmmm. idk, well, much love & G'nite!! Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 5th, 2005
11:38 pm	That time again... I LOVE FREAKING LOVE EGGNOG!!!!1one ^_^;; Current Mood: silly (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
11:29 pm	Lazy updating So, last weekend was fun. First went to hang out with Andrew, Liz, Katie, Kenny and more people for their Halloween party, good times, watch silly anime, ate delicious sweet foods, saw people I haven't in a long time. Then hung out with Teresa, Kat, Dennis, and Jake at one of their sexy parties. Lots of people got drunk, me and Kat and a few more just hung around and watched the drunk people lol and some movies. Coolbeans, haven't hung out with those kids in forever too. Also, figured out a trick to get my dirty whore of a mini-disc player to work, victory! Halloween is cool so far (Samhain, pagan new year peoples!) dressed up as a sexy Lestat-inspired character, and was surprised at how many people guessed it, I did a good job I suppose. I'm also very cherry now as Renee has sent me sexy pictures of her in her costume, a wonderful sexy kitty with a leather collar, and red heart tag with Aijin Neko on one side (Japanese for Kitty lover/mistress, hott!) and 387 forest knoll on the back, How sweet and sexy is that? (The answer, ladies and gentleman, is very!) So, here I sit, missing my wonderful girl, but enjoying myself and the evening still, good night everyone, and happy Samhain once again! Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 7th, 2005
3:41 am	Things fall apart; the center cannot hold... Everything is fine in my life. I'm confident, sure of what I want to do, and secure in the knowledge that the relationships I have with those most important to me are healthy and that everything is going to be all right in my world. Once anything confronts me, that all changes. I'm someone all the time, then I'm not. I'm a lot of things, I'm me, but I'm not sure how to explain who that is. I glide through life right now. That seems to make sense as an explination. I've been fortunate enough to find people who care about me and who I greatly care about in return, but I'm on autopilot, and I'm not sure where it's taking me, and I don't fancy living a life I'm not in control of. That changes now. Still not quite sure what that entails, but I know I want it changed, and I'm going to fucking try. My life has no purpose now. It did once, it may yet again. I drift through, regularly ignoring these question, then when I'm faced with them, I suddenly don't know who I am. I make people feel better. That's my default answer. I don't know what I want, but I know I make people feel good. I'm silly and strange, I cheer them up. Then they go back to their lives, and I go back to my lack therof. It makes me happy, to know I help, I like to help, but it doesn't fulfill me. Why does all of this dawn on me after it's too late to say anything tonight? Why am I always silent when questioned, but I pour out rivers whenever I'm not? I hear, and listen, but I don't understand. I can help people guide their lives sometimes, and other times I'm dead wrong. I sit and listen, then I talk. The silence inbetween is sometimes pleasant, but like this, it's oppressive. I hate it. I want to say anything to fill it, but I want to make it mean something. When I don't know what to say, I can only talk about the weather so much before I have to say something real, I want to say something real, but I so rarely know what. I'm drifting, and unless I take control, I'm just going to drift off the road. I know things that make me happy, but I don't know what fulfills me. It scared me when she said she might leave one day. I'm not that naieve, life happens, and of course I knew it could happen, but it still hurt to hear and face. As was recently said to me, pain makes things real, and I find myself agreeing. Passiveness can guide you through your life, but conflict defines it, tests it, and hones it; it makes philosophy reality. I've found a way to be stable in life, and I'm afraid of changing that because I might not be again. I've found a philosophy that I can exist with, but I know now I need to find one I can live with. I will not die. Not now. I've talked more people out of suicide than I want to think, and I've never thought of it as an option for me. I refuse. I refuse to give up like that. And I refuse to let other people give up like that if I can help them. That's who I am. It's part of it. Something I believe. Strange thing is, for someone who refuses death, fights against it with every breath, how am I living my life? What am I doing to not waste my time? I find my answers number too few for my likeing. I've felt like this before. Like I've just woken up and I've accomplished nothing before this momment. Was it true then? Is it true now? I'm not sure, but I know it needs to change. I've always thought I had strong beliefs. I'm flexible. I let others be who they are. I've always thought I had strong beliefs, and if they were crossed, I would stand for them. But where that line is, I cannot say. Words help, but they only help organize chaotic thoughts in the end, the change needs to be mine, it always has been. I don't understand myself. I can't see who I am. I can't see myself from someone else's perspective. I have to change myself, understand myself, and know who I am. Truely know. I'm confident in what I am, but if I'm not sure how to define who I am, my confidence is all for nothing, and I'm not anything yet. I will define myself, and I will be confident in it. I know I'm strong enough to. Why haven't I before now, what was I afraid of? What am I afraid of still? I have to know, no one else can, Not in the way I can. If I don't know, I have to find out. Knowing who you are affects all aspects of your life, and I've always told people if they know themselves, and have confidence in that, they can do anything. I've always 'known', but I've never realized it. It's something I have to face. I don't live completely in this world, I may never, but I have to live in it some of the time, so I will find out how. I will. I promise myself, on my honor, I will live, not simply exist. The world is all around me, and I have to wake up and do something about it. Chris will save everyone. He says it and he believes it so much, so strongly, with every part of his being, that I know he will. I don't have that strength. I don't think I can save everyone, help everyone, I can't yet help myself. He is too much himself to let the world change him. I'm jealous of that. If I don't find out truely who I am, I will just break against the world like a wave on a rock wall. Take that same wave in Chris, and he'll move the whole fucking mountain. I heard he was jeslous of me today. I couldn't even believe it. Him jealous of me. He's Chris, my best friend, he'll still be a big kid when he's 80. He'll make people laugh with his strangeness, awe them with his unshakeable sense of life, and he'll still cry when people get hurt. Him jealous of me? It doesn't make a bit of sense, who he is is so incredibly wonderful, I only look complete. I want so many of the qualities my friends have. Renee's independance and will, Chris' innocence and empathy, and Jon's ass. it's impressive. But that's who they are. I need to realize who I am, and hope I'm fortunate enough to have even a measure of their skills and knowledges. I know I'm strong, I just need to find out how. I'm determined to live now, I've decided that much. Plans as to such? Tomorrow, I'm going to drive Teresa to get her car, then go home. I'm going to do all of my homework that's due through next week. I'm going to find out if it's likely I'll get that job, if not, I'll apply to three more. I will take a chunk out of the book I'm reading. I will meditate on who I am and what makes me that way. Sounds like a good day for energy drinks, as I plan to read more before I go to sleep. I should look into writing more. I think I will. It always helps focus me. I've heard teachers throughout the years say how good some of my stuff is. Who knows if it's career worthy, but it is also something I will work more to improve on. Maybe not tomorrow though, tomorrow is pretty crowded so far. Fuck that. Tomorrow too. I'll write something, anything. Maybe I'll just delete it, maybe I'll add to it later. Maybe I'll turn it into a story, decide I don't like the characters, and scrap it after months of work. I don't know, but nothing will change if I don't do something about it. Well, things will change, but not my things, I need to make those changes myself, and I will. I guess focus is relative, I'm still ranting, but I call it a focused rant. I will not appologize for who I am. I've done that too much. I never meant it that way, but that's what it ended up meaning. If I'm sorry for stepping on peoples toes, I need to pay attention and watch where I'm going rather than keep appologizing for something I have control of. I will always be me. That won't ever change. Plenty will, but that will always stay the same. I'm not sorry for who I am. Enough of that I suppose, it's getting rather late, and sleep will do me good. Journey well travelers; guide your life by the stars, lead with your footsteps, and don't look back. Current Mood: Focused (Comment on this)
Monday, September 26th, 2005
1:57 am	Love is understanding me when I don't understand myself. knowing when to poke and push at me when no one else does or won't. helping me know myself better, and helping me know you better. life is about being able to balnce what makes you happy, and what you love to do. I don't know so much about any of that, but you've helped me realize that, and do something about it. I hav to decide what to do next, and I think I can, knowing what I want to hold on to, and what I want in the future. once again, you've helped break through my damn wall when no one else has, and I love you all the more for it. sleep is now, life will continue tomorrow, hopefully with a spot of direction. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
2:01 am	Talked to Renee I'm still shaking a little, I'm a little teary, but it's good, and I'm so happy. I never notice it, other people have to remind me, I keep stuff in too much. The problem is that I sometimes think I can keep it all in forever if I choose to, but I don't want to become an emotionless wall. I need to burst that damn every now and then and make sure it doesn't build up. Otherwise I'll just end up breaking one day, and have no one there to listen to me after having pushed them all away. It seems contrdictory to love so much, but in the end to feel so little, but that seems to be the case I think. I need to remember to open myself up, only I forget how to sometimes. I love to share with my friends, they share so much with me. I talked to Renee about what's going on and how we feel. I don't want to lose her, more than anything and anyone, I don't want to lose her. I also want her to ber herself, and not feel pressured by my love for her. We talked for a while, and I understand so much better now. All of it is fresh in my mind and I'm always so glad when we talk like that. It helps get so much out there. I'm was afraid it would build, and I'd lose her because I didn't know how to feel, or how to truely open myself more to her. I still don't but she told me something tonite. Among everything else that was said, one theing stands out so much to me now. She said she needed me. Her, who doesn't truely need anyone, and she's strong enough to do it if she wants too. But she needs me, and I need her too. No matter what happens, I'll love her, and she'll love me too. After that, we'll see. I always hope for the best, it's what I do and who I am. More than anthing, I hate not knowing things, like how people feel, because I just can't see it. I lack some comprehension for the way people feel. Not all of it, but a certain level of it. I'm just not wired right, I can't see it, i don't know, but I'm always afraid that's what will cost me someone I love one day, just not knowing. She's my girl. She's beautiful. I love her so much. I don't ever want to lose her. There was also mention of a stuffed animal, but that's later. This was vey ranty, if any of it doesn't make sense, don't worry, I just had to get some if it down. Overall, like I said, I'm happy. I'm always glad to talk. My heart is till racing, and I feel lighter. ok, it's late I suppose, g'nite now. (Comment on this)